i love the way bindu wiles’ 21.5.800. ( 5 days of yoga a week + writing 800 words a day) and my decision to quit my job in 6 months have collided with each other.
i have been doing my creativity workshops, classes, and guided meditation groups for three and a half years. i have learned so much and really found my voice and my strength in how i do my work and i know it’s time for me to be doing it more fully.
that knowing does not abolish all of the doubt, fear and monsters that are lurking beneath the surface.
so last night i sat with my laptop to do the writing part of the 21.5.800 challenge. for my writing, i am putting together a workbook for my new love your life creative coaching program and instead of writing i found myself making popcorn and checking out my google blog reader, facebook, email and twitter.
i realised that this is not unusual behaviour for me at all.
but now that i have this writing 800 words a day challenge in front of me this behaviour is really hard to ignore. it’s unsettling to really notice this about myself - i do tend to stop writing very quickly when i don’t feel inspired and the words aren’t flowing. i tell myself that it’s not the right time for me to be writing and decide to wait for inspiration to come.
so last night i called bullshit on this.
and instead of avoiding, i sat with the feeling to explore what is really happening inside. i wrote about why i can’t write. i let myself sink deeply into my body and into my feelings to explore what was going on.
what was going on doesn’t have anything to do with not being inspired. it has everything to do with doubt, fear and monsters.
any creative stretch is bound to stir up the monsters.
every part of me that doesn’t believe in me stops me from writing. every part of me that is afraid of what will happen when i quit my job keeps me from writing. every part of me that is worried about what others will think keeps me from writing. deep down this is all about keeping me safe.
it has nothing to do with inspiration because inspiration is always flowing and available. i just stop hearing it because the monsters get so loud.
i’m really grateful for this 21.5.800 challenge because without it last night i would have just walked away from writing and not given it another thought, like i usually do. on the surface i use the excuse: i am not a writer.
when it comes to art i don’t let myself off the hook like that. ever. no matter where i’m at – i paint it. i would never sit around and wait for inspiration – i’m too busy just doing it. but when it comes to writing i have given my doubts, fears and monsters free reign. until last night i didn’t even know i was doing this. so i am so grateful to see this and to know this because now i can change it.
so look out – doubts, fears and monsters.
you are no longer running the show here.
creative art journal: letting the monsters out
in december i shared some journaling i did about my inner monsters. i’m going to do some more journaling with these new monsters. by acknowledging instead of avoiding we can make friends with the monsters and get them on our side. then the monsters can actually support us in our creative work.
because the monsters aren’t actually monsters of course. these are the most tender, vulnerable and scared parts of us. so let’s treat them like we would treat a scared child. with love and gentleness always. but we have to be the grown up. we have to be in charge. we have to be the one running the show.
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ooooo you are so brave! I love the monster journal picture, it almost made me cry. Thank you!
Beautiful post – I instantly thought of the Rilke quote: “Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us.” Sounds like you’re already loving your monsters – yea!!
Ditto to what chicsinger simone said – monster journal picture goes right to the heart!!
Oh – so many things I love about this post. Hell YES you are a writer! You are so right – those little monsters are really very tender. It’s amazing how they can go away with a little compassion. Excited to hear about your adventures in getting to this next chapter! Sending lots of good vibes your way.
Hi Andrea,
This challenge feel so overwhelming and most importantly cathartic! We have started our own revolution and it feels good.
I first took it like a hard task to commit to like you but then I called off my own bullshit and been keeping up with my writing. I’m not a writer and in fact English is not my first langauge but the more I’ve been writing the more I’ve been able to deal with certain issues I have and it’s only the 3rd days but I’ve already had a few epiphanies!
I had to shush away a couple of gremlins to get where I am now but I’m good to go now!
You’re doing extremely well at keeping your monsters at bay just getting with your writing is the best approach one could have!
;D
Alexia
Yes, Bindu Wile’s 21.5.800 was serendipitous for me as well. Good-bye monsters!
oh simone thank you. when i first posted that monster page it was scary and fewer people were reading my blog. this morning it felt scary again to link to it and add the photo but it also felt important. keeping the monsters hidden in the dark keeps them in power.
thank you karen that is a beautiful quote.
erika than you! “Hell YES you are a writer!” is a pretty amazing thing to hear.
thank you alexia we are doing amazing, aren’t we?
alisha – yes. good-bye monsters!
writing is flowing much better today and i am quite productive.
Oh you are just so gorgeous! i am in the very same space. plus, i also like doing away with annoying capitalization LOL
I really appreciate this post today. Thank you for writing it. I feel dangerously empowered now – yay!
Am so delighted to have just a few minutes ago discovered you and your blog. How divine you both are.
Big love,
Flora
Hello Andrea!
What an inspiring post. I too am easily distracted by google reader, twitter, FB etc. I find it quite funny and more than a bit frustrating that the very tool that I must have to create, my computer, is the biggest distraction in my life.
I am also finding that I have to ‘gently force’ myself to write. I’m not feeling very inspired these days though I did manage to get a post up.
I still have 800 words to write for today, but first… Shivasana!
flora – dangerously empowered! i love it. and i am so delighted to have found you too!
jenny thank you! it is funny that what we need to do our work contains so many distractions!
powerful stuff. I love the monster pic too.
& you just described the last decade of my life, more or less. I guess if I want an alternative job title monster wrangler would work :-) Incredible the pull away from the blank page when the monsters are active. In fact I think mine are at it right now as I’m supposed to be writng somethign else ;-) Vey interesting to hear how you find it easier to deal with the blank space -> to fill with art Vs the blank space to fill with words. The creative process is so fascinating.
it sounds like writing becomes both meditation and prayer for yourself, to yourself. beautiful!
Pleased to meet you! Thanks for commenting on my blog.
I agree with your thoughts here. Powerful quote “Any creative stretch is bound to stir up the monsters.”
You’re quitting your job in 6 months? Look at how creative you are now. I’m excited to see how creative you’ll be when you are free from the cube (cubicle). BTW, before I got the courage to quit, I was kicked out the cube. Now, I’m facing fears while experiencing creativity, joy, and autonomy .
“so last night i called bullshit on this”.
that is the best line EVER!
oh, wouldn’t it be fun to color these monsters (as friends)…
i’d so love to see them! they could make fierce protectors & love you madly!
xox
thanks helen. i think with art it’s just a matter of having more experience and trusting the process. i don’t trust my writing (yet).
thanks emma. i feel like all my creative work is a meditation and a prayer.
pleased to meet you too marsha! i really like my job, and it’s only 3 days a week and it actually fuels me in a lot of ways but i am finding that i don’t have time to do all of the creative ideas i’ve got so it’s got to be time to get ready to go.
rachel what an incredible idea! i love it! i can make myself some fierce protectors.
Andrea, I feel that your writing is so very beautiful and inspirational because it truly comes from the heart. Your ability to write in that special way that connects with others is amazing!
I love your perspective on monsters and how they are the “most tender, vulnerable and scared parts of us.” For me, that really evokes compassion for my own self!! Thank you for that!
Wow, I am so right there with you! Years ago, as a kid, I thought I would be a writer but then I lost confidence in myself. I started to do the same with my photography, and I still have issues with being “not good enough”. I find it very difficult to put these feelings aside, constantly trying to “find inspiration” when I’m actually just comparing myself to others. This project is helping me face these monsters and heal. Thanks for sharing!
way to battle there sister.
i can.t even imagine doing all that yoga and writing…that is SO inspiring.
keep up the good work.
im over here cheering…
WHOO HOOO!
c
Hey Andrea
Just popped over here to see how you are rocking it and let me tell you lady, you are!
We just have to own the ‘creative’ urge, the thing that makes us sing and beam and want to share. I have spent a significant number of years thinking the art that I made served a particular cathartic purpose and now that it is done, I am no longer ‘an artist’ but I am and I’m getting back to it.
The 21.5.800 project helps to make me feel part of a community of writers [still feels weird to refer to myself as such, but we are right? we write therefore we are writers] and know that words can be art too.
And I am itching to make ‘picture’ art again, which can only be a good thing right?
G x
i love that you are openly seeing your pattern and stepping outside of it.(hooray for 21.5.800 for the help) it is brave and powerful. i also find it hard to push past what feels safe — but the risk is that of not being who i am in this moment — which is all i have. thanks for sharing.
thank you so much jenn.
thank you bria – you are good enough! more than good enough!
much much appreciated chrissy.
genna thank you – and that is a great thing!
oh sarah i love that “the risk is that of not being who i am in this moment” so true. thank you.
I cannot believe you are quitting yor job. It’s fricken fabulous that you can make a decision like that. You must be extremely excited. I was only brave enought to turn down the offer of going full time. Being part time means I’m always short of funds, but I get to enhance my creativity. Going full time means a lot more money, but less life. You are brave to go that extra step, good on you.
BTW I can’t wait for you new coaching sessions to be finished, I want to do one!
Emz
thanks emz! i have been part time at my job for a few years now and am definitely ready for this now. thanks for your support about my coaching sessions! i can’t even describe how happy it feels when i am working on them – i am going to LOVE doing this and i am seeing that love spilling out to everyone who works with me. it’s going to be amazing.
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